If God was a Villain, He'd be Me
If I were a boy, I'd draw my gun, wear my breeches and chaps, saddle my horse, and ride off to the sunset. I'd paint the town red, smear it with booze. I'd save damsels in distress, tip my Stetson, and make them swoon with my sexy cowboy drawl. I'd cock my gun like they do in the Old West, control my whining horse with my shiny boot spurs, and pull hard on the reins. I'd be a pub patron who gets challenged, and I'd duel with my Single Action Revolver and win because I'd be the good guy with a cocky attitude. And I'd say things like "Over yonder, ma'am," and "We've howdied but we 'aven't shook."
If I were a boy, I'd be a pirate, and I'd be sassier and cooler than Jack Sparrow, and I'd say things like "Shiver me timbers," and "Arrr!" I'd be captain of a ship, The Seven Seas, and my crew wouldn't mutiny against me. I'd have two female pirates that are more notorious than Anne Bonny and Mary Read. I'd attend the Fourth Brethren Court, and I'd be the Pirate King because even Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swan would vote for me, and I'd show Mr. Keeper of the Pirata Codex who's daddy. I'd have meaner enemies, and I'd have the key to Davey Jones' locker, because, really, when I rule, it'd be just a locker instead of the bottom of the sea.
If I were a boy, I'd wear 2039 Flex Revo sunglasses and drive a silver Maserati because I'd be the rich kid who has more money than he could count. I'd wear my white Lacoste Radiates with my Abercrombie & Fitch polo and Citizens of Humanity jeans on Mondays, then other designer wear the remaining days. I'd be greeting them "Morning, ladies," and they'd be all over me instead of the other way around. I'd spray FCUK Him instead of Armani cologne because I'm young and hip, and I'd sport my TAG Heuer Carrera because I'm cool like that.
If I were a boy, I'd play polo because it's classier than all the sports put together, except maybe soccer, which isn't really classy, but still sexy to watch. I'd have fan clubs, and groupies, and millions of websites dedicated to me. I'd be the endorser of every sport even when I don't play them because my face sells. I'd say stuff like "Have a dab at polo," or some other silly sounding English slang.
If I were a boy, I wouldn't waste my time watching chick flicks. I'd waste my money on Die Hard, Band of Brothers, Rambo, Terminator, Independence Day, and the occasional fucked up cartoons like The Simpsons and Drawn Together. I'd be drinking beer and hard liquor and not chic cocktails, and I'd be eating pizza the way it's supposed to be eaten. My usual lines would be "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker," and "Who's the man? Who's the man?!"
If I were a boy, I'd be named Lorenzo (because I'd be a suave Italian and, when pluralized, my name would mean fame and victory), or Alexandre (because I'd be a snooty French and "a defender of men"), or Kaoru (because I'd be a noble Japanese and my name would mean fragrant), or Lewis (because I'd be a hardcore German and "a warrior"), or Datu (because I'd remain a proud Filipino and the name is honorably regal).
If I were a boy, I'd be a pirate, and I'd be sassier and cooler than Jack Sparrow, and I'd say things like "Shiver me timbers," and "Arrr!" I'd be captain of a ship, The Seven Seas, and my crew wouldn't mutiny against me. I'd have two female pirates that are more notorious than Anne Bonny and Mary Read. I'd attend the Fourth Brethren Court, and I'd be the Pirate King because even Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swan would vote for me, and I'd show Mr. Keeper of the Pirata Codex who's daddy. I'd have meaner enemies, and I'd have the key to Davey Jones' locker, because, really, when I rule, it'd be just a locker instead of the bottom of the sea.
If I were a boy, I'd wear 2039 Flex Revo sunglasses and drive a silver Maserati because I'd be the rich kid who has more money than he could count. I'd wear my white Lacoste Radiates with my Abercrombie & Fitch polo and Citizens of Humanity jeans on Mondays, then other designer wear the remaining days. I'd be greeting them "Morning, ladies," and they'd be all over me instead of the other way around. I'd spray FCUK Him instead of Armani cologne because I'm young and hip, and I'd sport my TAG Heuer Carrera because I'm cool like that.
If I were a boy, I'd play polo because it's classier than all the sports put together, except maybe soccer, which isn't really classy, but still sexy to watch. I'd have fan clubs, and groupies, and millions of websites dedicated to me. I'd be the endorser of every sport even when I don't play them because my face sells. I'd say stuff like "Have a dab at polo," or some other silly sounding English slang.
If I were a boy, I wouldn't waste my time watching chick flicks. I'd waste my money on Die Hard, Band of Brothers, Rambo, Terminator, Independence Day, and the occasional fucked up cartoons like The Simpsons and Drawn Together. I'd be drinking beer and hard liquor and not chic cocktails, and I'd be eating pizza the way it's supposed to be eaten. My usual lines would be "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker," and "Who's the man? Who's the man?!"
If I were a boy, I'd be named Lorenzo (because I'd be a suave Italian and, when pluralized, my name would mean fame and victory), or Alexandre (because I'd be a snooty French and "a defender of men"), or Kaoru (because I'd be a noble Japanese and my name would mean fragrant), or Lewis (because I'd be a hardcore German and "a warrior"), or Datu (because I'd remain a proud Filipino and the name is honorably regal).
If I were a boy, I wouldn't be me. And then I wouldn't like it so much.
~
"If God was a villain, he'd be me." – Benedict, Last Action Hero
"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker." – John McClane, Die Hard
"Who's the man? Who's the man?!" – Captain Steven Hiller, Independence Day
Paola @ 5:50 PM
